Let Mercy Come
by sunshinearmin
Summary: Armin dealing with the aftermath of the mission to Shiganshina. Trigger warning for self harm


'Why am I alive?' It was the first thought that came to his mind every morning. 'Why am I alive?' He would think as he opened his eyes and stared at the ceiling. 'Why am I alive?' he'd ask himself as he got dressed and headed for breakfast. He hardly ate anymore. He only went to the dining hall to give off the appearance that he was fine.

He didn't know why he bothered. Everyone knew he wasn't fine. There were only nine of them left, they knew each other very well at this point. So they all knew that he wasn't eating. Most of them watched him with pity and concern. He hated it.

'Why am I alive?' he'd ask himself as he felt Floch's eyes on him, filled with anger and disgust. Floch had made it known that he didn't think Armin should be alive. Eren and Jean kept telling him to defend himself, but how could he defend himself when he thought Floch was right?

'Why am I alive?' he'd ask himself as he moved through the streets. People knew who he was, and many looked at him with hatred. Commander Smith had been a hero to many, and they couldn't understand why he was dead, and this scrawny little kid was alive. Armin agreed with them.

'Why am I alive?' he'd ask himself as he stood up on the wall, watching their latest tactic for killing titans. He was always scared to be up on the wall. There was this little voice in his head that told him to jump. To just let himself fall off the wall. The fall would certainly kill him, but more likely, he'd be eaten by one of those titans. Good. He should have been eaten a long time ago. It would be that titan's lucky day, as they'd acquire the Colossal Titan's power. Since Marley had turned them into a mindless titan to begin with, they'd probably fight against them. He felt like anyone could do a better job than him.

'Why am I alive?' he'd think as he went about training. Commander Zoe wanted to run tests on his titan, but Armin was too scared to even think about transforming. Eren hadn't had control of his titan at first. What if he hurt someone? What if he killed someone? No. He wouldn't do it.

'Why am I alive?' he'd ponder after training as he changed in his room. He didn't go to dinner anymore. Instead, he'd sit in his room and stare off into space. He didn't read anymore. His mind couldn't focus on the words. He'd tried writing but his brain moved faster than his hand and he got frustrated. He'd open up the window and scatter the pages to the wind.

"Why am I alive?" He'd voice his constant question aloud only when he was alone in his room, watching the world grow dark. Armin understood why Captain Levi had made the decision he had. The commander had more than earned his eternal rest. He'd done his part. They had no business dragging him back into this bloody, cruel world. What Armin disagreed with was his receiving the serum. Personally, he felt that the captain should have let him die too. He'd been prepared for it. Had accepted it. Knew that was the outcome of his choices. What he had not been prepared for was becoming a titan and murdering someone he had once considered a friend. No, this responsibility was too great and he could not handle it. He was too weak.

"Why am I alive?" He'd ask himself as he sat in his bed, fighting sleep. While the days were long and draining, he'd take a thousand times over when sleep came. For with sleep came death. Not his own, of course, that would be too merciful. No, what came was everyone else's. Courtesy of Bertolt's memories, he saw Marco die every night. They'd abandoned him to be eaten. Armin saw tears stream down Annie's face. Saw the tears on Marco's face. Heard his screams.

He never told anyone he saw what happened to Marco. It would just cause unnecessary pain, especially to Jean. Armin was in enough pain, he didn't need to share it. He'd begged Connie to tell him exactly what happened to Bertolt, so now he saw that in his dreams too. He saw his parents die. His grandfather. He saw Ymir, Moblit, Erwin. He saw Franz missing half his body, Mina losing her head. Thomas and Naz. Cis and Hannah and Marlowe and Hannes and Eren. Always Eren. Again and again and again. His brain came up with new and more gruesome ways. He watched Mikasa die, over and over. Jean and Connie and Sasha. Hange and Levi. Just rivers of blood. Surrounding him. Choking him. Drowning him.

He'd wake up gagging, the coppery taste of blood in his mouth. He was left to ponder, how do you tell your friends that you can't look them in the eye anymore because you watch them die every night? That you can't look at them without seeing their blood staining your hands? He was losing his mind, that had to be what was happening. This was the slow descent into madness.

He was a disappointment. A waste of the serum. He shouldn't have been saved. He should just let Eren eat him, be done with it. Armin could feel the disappointment in Levi's eyes like a dagger in his heart. What a waste of Erwin's sacrifice.

He began to spend more and more time shut away in his room. No one came to check on him. Not even Eren or Mikasa. It was better this way. He couldn't stand the pity in their eyes. He'd fooled them all into believing he was strong. He had fooled himself. But look at him. He was completely falling apart. He wondered if anyone would even notice if he just didn't leave this room anymore.

Armin didn't know what drove him to take the knife from breakfast one morning. He carried it with him all day, and placed it on his dresser that evening. He didn't know why. No one came to check on him when he woke up screaming. It had been a particularly bad night. Eren and Mikasa getting torn apart again and again. Their screams still filled his ears. He couldn't face them. He couldn't sit down at the breakfast table and pretend everything was alright. So, he stayed in his room and paced.

Apparently, his absence was noted, as around 11:30, there was a knock on the door. Floch's voice called through the door. "Armin, the commander wants to know why you weren't at breakfast." He was glad it was Floch. The only one not interested in Armin, and therefore the only one who wouldn't come in here asking questions.

"Tell her I'm sick." He called back.

"Whatever." Armin pressed his ear to the door and listened to the sound of Floch's footsteps retreating. Good, old, dependable Floch. The Floch that came back from Shiganshina was not the same one who had left. This Floch was angry and bitter. It made sense, given what he had gone through. Watching your friends die horrible deaths was not an easy thing. They'd all gone through it. For them, it had happened in Trost. It had happened on that expedition. But Floch was lucky. He didn't have to experience that utter betrayal. Finding out that three years of friendship was a lie. That those people were responsible for making you an orphan, and homeless. That people you had considered friends had taken everything from you, and lied to your face about it.

It seemed his lie worked. No one came to check on him the rest of the day. It was another horrible night. Torrents of blood washed through Shiganshina. Washed through Trost. Washed through Stohess. Rivers of blood drowned everything. He could see the faces of his friends as they struggled against the onslaught. As they lost and slipped beneath the surface.

He awoke in a cold sweat. He moved out of bed like a shot and seized his trashcan, vomiting as soon as he had it in his hands. Once he was done, he leaned back against the wall. It was the middle of the night but he knew he wasn't going back to sleep. Did Eren have nightmares like this? Armin felt so alone. 'Why am I alive?' He wondered. 'Why am I suffering like this?'

He stood up and began to pace. Would he have to spend the next thirteen years like this? For he had an expiration date now. That was another thing that came with powers he didn't want. Maybe this was all his punishment because he shouldn't be alive. He had cheated death and the universe was making him pay for it. But didn't the universe know that it wasn't his fault? It hadn't been his choice. There had been a whole conversation that he wasn't a part of.

Armin went to the window and opened it, taking in huge breaths of night air. He felt like he was suffocating. As he looked over the town, he saw it. The rivers of blood washing everything away. He recoiled, right into the dresser. He ran a hand over his eyes. It wasn't real. He glanced at the window again. All was normal.

He turned away and his eye caught the knife on the dresser. There was a little voice in his head that told him to pick it up. To slide the steel across his skin. He watched the blood bead up, bright red against his pale skin. His eyes widened in horror as he watched the steam begin to rise from the wound. It was healing.

Something that had fascinated him on Eren once, now horrified him on himself. He was a monster. An aberration. Something that should not be alive. He slid the knife across his arm again. And again. He drew more and more blood, pressing down harder and harder. Soon, he was slashing at his wrists, his arms, his legs. He slashed his neck. Literally slit his own throat. And he just kept healing. Rivers of blood. That's what he was creating. Rivers of his own blood.

He didn't notice the sun come up. He didn't hear the knock on the door or it open. So, he was surprised when he turned and saw Hange standing there, trying to keep the horror off of her face. Armin noticed for the first time how hot the room was. It was filled with steam, rising from his wounds, rising from all of the blood. "Doing your own experiments?" She asked. "It's not nice to do it without me."

"Commander-"

"May I have the knife please, Armin?" she held out her hand. Slowly, he extended it, hilt first. "Thank you." She studied the steam coming off the blood on the blade. "Your healing abilities seem to be working." She then handed it back behind her, where Armin saw Levi was standing in the hall.

The commander didn't have her gear on, but the captain did. Was Levi here to put him down? Was Hange afraid of him? Should she be? Armin sank to the floor, and put his head in his hands. "I don't-I can't." He couldn't seem to form a coherent thought.

"Armin, tell me what I can do to help." Hange knelt down beside him.

His brain defaulted to his ever present thought. "Why am I alive?"

"You're alive because Captain Levi decided that. It's a choice none of us got a say in, except him. The choice was made and all we can do now is learn to live with it." Armin stared down at his lap. "Armin, look at me." He looked at her face. "I know that you think you can tough this out on your own, or maybe you're thinking that you can waste away in here. But Armin, we need you. We needed your mind before, but now there's only nine of us and much bigger threats coming. We NEED you. So, it's time to try something else because this isn't working." Hange took a deep breath, slowly reached out a hand, and put it on his shoulder. "I know that what you have been through is traumatic, and you are young. We are all here for you. You just have to tell us what you need."

Armin glanced up at Levi, who seemed to have relaxed slightly. Clearly, he didn't view Armin as a threat. He looked back at Hange. Her face was sincere. She genuinely wanted to help. But what did he need? "I need to go."

"Go where?"

"I don't know. Just…away."

Hange glanced up at Levi. They seemed to be having a whole conversation without words. Armin used to be able to do that with Eren. He wasn't sure it was still something he could do. Hange seemed to come to a decision. "I can give you two weeks, but I have some conditions." Armin was surprised. To be honest, he hadn't expected her to just let him go. "First, Levi is going with you, wherever you decide to go. This is both for your safety and the safety of others. Second, you need to come back ready to work. We have a lot of work ahead of us. We need to start testing out your titan. We have preparations in place. I know you're scared but no one is going to get hurt."

"Except maybe you." Levi said.

"Not helping." Hange quipped "So, do we have a deal? Do you accept my conditions?"

Armin nodded his head. "Yes, Commander. I accept your conditions."

"Good." Hange smiled at him. "Pack your things, then. I expect you back in two weeks." She stood up and looked at Levi. "Please bring him back in one piece."

"He can regenerate his limbs, Hange."

"You know what I mean."

Armin climbed to his feet. "I won't cause any trouble."

"I don't doubt that. You're not Eren, after all." Levi said, crossing his arms.

"You boys have fun." Hange said before leaving the room.

Levi stared at Armin. "So, where do you want to go?"

Armin was as surprised by where he chose to go as Levi was. But Levi didn't say a word, and even let Armin have his privacy as he stepped into the underground room. To be honest, he wasn't even sure why he was here. It had been a long time since he'd talked to her. But something drove him here.

"Annie." He said softly, slowly stepping up and putting his hands on the crystal. It was cold to the touch. He could see her through it though. She looked like the princess in the fairytales him mom used to read to him. She looked peaceful. "How do you live with it? How do you live with all the blood on your hands?" he felt the tears in his eyes and he fell to his knees, resting his head against the crystal. His eyes closed and he saw Annie in Bertolt's memories. The look of anguish on her face as she took Marco's gear. As she watched Marco die, getting half his face ripped off. He opened his eyes, feeling sick to his stomach. She had seemed so upset, but yet she still did it. "Is this your way out? Are you hiding from it all?" The tears slipped down his face. "It's not easy to do the right thing when you don't know what the right thing is."

He felt a surge of anger flow through him. She was hiding. She wasn't dealing with all of the pain and horror and death she had caused. "Why?" He rose to his feet. "Why? Why did you do this? You don't believe in the ideals of Marley! You don't care! So why?" he pounded his fists on the crystal, unaware that he was screaming. He raised his fist again.

"Hey." Suddenly, a hand seized his wrist and spun him around. He stared into Levi's eyes.

"How do you do it? How do you live with all of the blood on your hands?" He asked quietly.

"You tell yourself how much more blood would have been spilt if you hadn't. You tell yourself it was for the greater good. And then you move on. You keep going because it's going to keep coming." Levi let go of him. "You're a soldier, Armin. You trained for this. Sacrificed and suffered. Now is not the time to crumple up and quit. Like four eyes said, we need you."

Armin appreciated that Levi didn't put on kid gloves with him. Didn't walk on egg shells. Levi spoke to him like he spoke to everyone else. It was refereshing. Levi started back up the stairs and Armin followed. He paused for a moment and glanced back at Annie. The captain's words echoed in his head. "You move on." He turned away. "You keep going." He began to climb the stairs again, wondering if he'd ever get to talk to Annie again. Ever find out why. He doubted it. She'd probably never open her eyes again. Spend however much of her thirteen years was left in that crystal.

His own eyes blinked several times as he stepped out into the sun. His heart seemed a little lighter as he felt the warmth of the sun on his skin. He was alive, whether he liked it or not. He had to leave Annie and all the rest in the dark. In the past. They had bigger fish to fry. He looked at Levi. "So, we have a week and a half left." Levi said. "Where do you want to go?"

"Home." They both knew that Armin didn't mean Shiganshina. Like Levi, after losing everything, Armin had made a new home, in the people around him. He knew he had a long road ahead of him, but he would get better. He had to. They needed him. "Let's go home."


End file.
